Been a while

Wow I have really been lax on this blog. SO much happened in the last year and so little news on/about/from Tyler. I won't even try to catch it all up. He was in Germany for a year and is now in Iraq. SOMEWHERE.

He was home for his last leave in July and we did get to spend some time together. I was sure to tell him I didn't want to smother him but I DID expect to see him. I told him I knew he wanted and needed to spend time with his friends and it was improtant that he get to enjoy what HE wants - since the next move was to the sand. We spent a day together driving to Ohio and back to visit my folks and one of my brothers and his wife did come by to see Ty. I was grateful for thier thoughtfulness. I was able to take him to lunch when I was off on a Wedenesday. Just lucked out and called the hosue and he was home. I thought he was off camping. His last night in the States we took him out to North Park Lounge. Holly & Travis made it and so did Ty's Dad. It was such fun watchign him play games with his brother and sister. Like old days when they were little.

I still feel much guilt ove rth epast but I'm working on getting past it. I am hoping Tyler & I can work on our Mother/son relationship via mail. e-mail whatever. He doesn't tell me much. And I still get envious if he is in touch with someone else and I don't hear anything. But I'm dealing with it. I have a doctor appt this week because I don't sleep, I cry all the time, I am anxious and fretful and forgetful. But whatever I am dealing with - I can only think what hell he must be dealing with. I mostly fear for his mental health for lack of a better term, What he may see what he may fell what he may experience over there thewe next 15 long months.

Leaving for Germany

Monday he leaves for Germany. He isn't married - the preacher had to do a funeral (?) Doesn't make sense to me. I am very very uneasy and I can't seem to concentrate or do anything. I feel like I want to explode or break something or scream or cry or SOMETHING.

He doesn't want to go to Germany. I keep telling him everyone I've heard from loved it there. He wasn't talkative and the whole conversation was pulling teeth. Like he didn't want to talk. I feel very uneasy about everything right now.

Too little Too Late

Woke up at 8 this morning and saw I had a message waiting on my phone. Tyler texted me at 12:30 am. It read "leaving at 7 this morning. Gonna be there?"

A) I was in bed at 12:30 am. Did he really expect me to receive that message?
B) Gonna be WHERE? Airport? Wayne's? Flight leaves at 7? Leaving Wayne's at 7? Got me..
C) I don't hear from you in a week and I get a last minute message in the wee hours of the morning that you're leaving in 6 1/2 hours??
D) I didn't even wake up by 7 am sheesh...

I assumed he was gone as of Monday. He'd told me when he got here that he had to be BACK on Tuesday. I even told him I was disappointed because I'd not get to see him leave, figuring he'd leave Monday and I worked 1:30 - 10:30.

Now I did call Holly on my lunch at 6pm Monday just to see if she knew anything. I ended up hanging up after 3 rings because I thought I don't want to put her in the middle. If he can't let me know what's going on that's his deal.

She had called back while I had my phone off at work. I snuck a quick call back to her and I was informed that she is not even at home, had heard Ty was getting married that day (Monday) and that Dad was at home waiting for his call. She thought Ty was leaving Tuesday. This told me a few things.

A) She and Wayne knew his plans
B) He was still home and had not contacted me.

Now I ask you who wrote to him every single day at boot? Who sent him stamps & phone cards? Who made arrangements for him to have Christmas with a family? Who spent 2 weekends traveling back & forth and finding boxes and packing all his stuff he wanted in Seattle and mailing it? Who sent him Superbowl stuff when the Steelers won? Did I buy myself a superbowl shirt? No. But I sent him one. Who spent hours making music CD's for him to enjoy? Who sent care packages? Who offered and sent money when he needed it? Who is the only one to drive 16 hours to Ft Benning for mid cycle break and only get to see him for 45 minutes because that's how badly I wanted to see him & support him? His dad? No. His girl? No.

This is all the stuff I wanted to b*tch about in my last blog. But it sounds like whining or maybe ppl may think he didn't ask her to do all that. Nope, he didn't. But that's what moms do, right? And in return moms usually get some respect, thanks, considerate behavior. Well, I don't feel I got much of that during this leave. I am sorry I did not get to say goodbye. But I contacted him several times thoughout the week and got no response. To text me in the middle of the night & expect me to chow up somewhere a few hours later is not my idea of letting me know what's going on. It's really a shame. And I am very, very hurt. I could barely function at work Monday after actually waking up crying out loud in my sleep. Cried on my way to work. Cried at work. As far as I knew he was already gone and I'd not gotten so much as a phone call. That's just inconsiderate. And knowing that his dad & sister were aware of his plans only hurts more. How much effort does it take to make a call? Not a whole hell of a lot, not if you really care.

Bittersweet Homecoming

Ahh where to start...

Ty got home Sat June 10. I got a message on my phone while I was at work, so I called him back at lunch. They got in at like 7 am. He asked what time I was done working - I told him 6 pm. He said he'd come over. I raced home, tried to do a bit of last minute redding up and waited, I didn't even stop for milk on the way home because I wasn't sure how soon he'd show up. I thought maybe I'd take him out to eat or something.

After waiting a while, I thought I'd take the risk of running to the closest grocery store & along with the milk we needed, pick up something to cook for us for supper & just hang out here together. I left the front door unlocked, took my cell and went shopping real quick. I raced home and started to make some spaghetti with italian sausage in the sauce, garlic bread & I'd bought a pound cake. I cooked. And I waited. And I waited. As it got past 9 pm, I texted Ty. I told him I had to be up at 5:30 am for work and I'd be going to bed within 2 hours. I waited about another hour and went to bed sometime after 10. Sad, disappointed and, yes, hurt.

Sunday I went to work and I was still sad. He called and left a msg that he'd fallen asleep and would scome over when I got home from work. Which he did & we ate the supper I'd made the night before. First thing he did though was jump on the computer & check out MySpace. I put in the CD from Ft Benning turning blue & graduation. He seemed to enjoy seeing some of the faces and seeing the Bradleys. We talked and hugged and he left after about 2 hours, somewhere around 8 pm. Gabby was at some family dinner with her Grandma and I guess she was available after 8. It was wonderful to see him & I took a few pics. His hair was long and he had it all gelled and spikey- cute! He and Travis had worked on the car replacing a headlight. He said he & Gabby were supposed to go get the marriage license Monday. I told him I'd taken Monday off if he needed a ride anywhere.

Didn't hear anything from him Monday so that was a big waste of taking an extra day off. But Tuesday we had plans to go to Kennywood, so I figured at least I had an extra day of rest. Wednesday we were planning to take him shooting. After Wednesday I'd have no more time off for the rest of his leave. I thought he was staying til the 20th, a Tuesday, which was my regular day off. So I had assumed I'd be available to see him off & say goodbye, so I figured that would be ok. I'd see him Tues & Wed, he;d have plenty of time on the weekend to see friends, and opportunities during the week to do what he & Gabby had to do (get married maybe?) He had a wedding band, and he said she has one too, but no definite plans. Drives me crazy! Anyways, he told me he had to be BACK on the 20th, so I was bummed. If I'd known, I'd have taken NEXT Monday off so I could see him his last day & go to the airport. (Gabby had already arranged for her dad to pick them up when they arrived here - no need for me) So now I'm feeling screwed - I figure maybe Sunday night I will see him, if he's leaving Monday. I am off at 4 Sundays, and work 1:30 - 10:30 Monday. Not likely I'd be able to go to the airport unless he left very early Monday.

So Tuesday we go to Kennywood. We were going to leave at noon. Then Travis said he has school til 12:30 so we agree to leave at one. Then when I spoke with Holly, she said maybe she'd come later after work, and Travis decided to do that too. So now we are back to leaving at noon. Then Ty calls and says he has to pick Travis up from school so we are back to leaving at one. I asked him if they'd gotten the marriage license - no. I asked him if everything was ok - grunt. Do you not WANT to talk about or you CAN'T talk about it right now ? grunt. Ok I drop it. Bob & I get to Wayne's about 12:45. Ty comes back wwith Travis. I ask him if we are ready - no, we are waiting on Gabby. Where is she? She's at her sister's. Okkk when will she be ready? I dunno, she'll call when she gets home. Now I'm fuming a bit. I have been waiting and waiting and feeling jerked around and I have NO idea how far Gabby's sister's houes is or if she's left yet or when the hell we might finally get to go. I was a bit crabby at this point. I said to Travis ya tell her we are leaving at one and she should be ready at one.

As it turns out we didn't wait that long, it was maybe 1:30 when she called. Then, instead of us all piling in the car to pick her up and go on our way, he has to go pick her up and bring her back. Well the 2 of them looked like we were going to death row or something when they came back. I was thinking wow this looks like it will be a fun day. Things got better in the car, though. Ty drove. He said he spent $50 on gas and he planned to use every bit of it while he was home. I have no idea how he had money for a headlight and gas and what all when we'd sent him $250 for the trip home because he was saying he was going to borrow from someone on base after the first $250 we sent went to repair the jeep. And of course within hours of sending that money (our savings for a house down paymnet fund) the stinking dryer broke and cost us a couple hundred more.

So anyways we had big fun at Kennywood. Tyler had me cracking up on some of the rides. He wore his ACU's and people kept looking at him. I wore my PAM shirt. Of course I had to have a picture taken. I also took a disposable camera, which Gabby took halfway through the day and I've no idea what kind of pics she took. Those 2 wrestled and slapped and pinched and punched each other all day long. I think they were sexually frustrated..I dunno. We rode every roller coaster, the bumper cars, flying carpet, and more. Bob & Ty rode this flippy thing and me & Gabby saw Ty's dogtags looking like they'd fall off him! Holly showed up around 7 maybe with a whole gang of her friends. She said hi and took off for the rest of the night. We finally found Travis a bit after that. He and Patrice went on a few rides with us four, then ran into somone they knew and took off. My whole idea had been for Holly & Travis to spend some time with Ty & Gabby. That's why I bought Tj's ticket - that plan sure fell through...we had potato patch fries and watched a really bad magic show and later had ice cream. All in all it was a really fun day. We left them alone for a bit before we left for the night.

We ended up back at Wayne's. Ty & Gabby made some drinks in the kitchen (I think, we heard the blender anyways) and I didn't see hide nor hair of them again. We talked with Wayne a while & left. No goodbye, thanks, nothing. Ah well, no biggie...they are alone & in loooooooove.

So Wednesday we sleep in a bit. Bob & I had both been spending time searching and searching for a place to go shooting with Ty since they closed the gun club last week, I was so upset about that. Could have waited one darn week and not ruined our plans lol! I guess it was about 2 oclock Bob and Ty talked on the phone and he gave Ty 2 options, an indoor range where we could rent any kind of gun, or outdoor gameland where we could shoot what we have. He told Ty to pick what he wanted to do and call us back. After an hour or more, we decided to go look at this house we'd seen online. Took our cells and figured if Ty called we could get back home in 20-30 minutes. Hours more went by and no call from Ty. So it's like 7pm and we decided to stop and eat on the way home. Just before we are served, Ty calls. He fell asleep. By now it's too late to go either place. Gamelands close at dusk, the indoor range at 10 and it's an hour drive. By the time we'd eat and get him picked up and all, it would be after 8. So Wednesday was a waste. That was my last day off.

Thursday I heard nothing. Friday I texted Ty and asked if he got married yet and told him the hours I would be working Saturday & Sunday. Saturday heard nothing. It is now Sunday. I called Ty on my lunch at 12. I told him I had Bob's phone (I'd forgotten mine, Bob worked 16 hours and left at 7 so gave me his phone we he stopped by my desk). He said he was on his way to church. I said ok well do you have any idea what time you're leaving? Then all I heard was some noise then "Talk to you later I love you goodbye" and he hung up. After I got home I texted him to again let him know I had Bob's phone (so he'd know to call me on that number) and again asked when he was leaving. That was probably 6 pm or so. It is now 10 minutes to 10. Not a word.

So I guess I will just get up tomorrow and go to work and not see my son again for a year. I have no idea if they got married, I have no idea when he's leaving. I am hurt and sad and half of me wants to be so angry with him. But then I don't want to leave things on thi awful note. For crissakes I'm his mother. I am not going to write what I really want to say. It just sucks...

Comin' Home on Leave!

Well, I spoke to Ty last night - his leave started at midnight and he plans to drive straight thru to Gabby's in Cali - 22 hours. He's nutz. Oh wait - no - he's in love lol! Those kids plan to actually tie the knot. I find it hard to put into words how I feel about that. Hopeful, of course that it will work out. But the back of my mind keeps adding up all the strikes against them. Per Ty "they are not young & stupid". He said his sargeants or whoever talked to him for 2 hours against getting married. One said "I got married at 19 and look how f***ing miserable I am". But it didn't faze Ty one bit.

Plans are for him to sign the car over to her so she can sell it. He's pretty sad about losing his jeep - I could hear it in his voice. And it seems they are planning some sort of civil ceremony, I'm not sure. I just know family is not invited. Per Gabby they will do the big ceremony/party etc in 2 years when he comes home. Well...that big IF that lives in every Army mom's head is hard to ignore. The big what if he doesn't come home. It hurts to even type it out. Maybe that's the whole reason for the marriage, I don't know. Making sure Gabby is taken care of in case that happens. Making sure someone is waiting for him while he is off fighting..who knows. Dear God I hope they know what they're doing...

Anyways I am hoping to snag them for at least 2 days. The way his leave falls, I will only have 2 days off while he's here. So I requested to use one of my 2 sick days to take an extra day. We are hoping to take them to Kennywood one day and to the gunclub on another. Dom, who runs HOOAH radio, is supposed to be in Pittsburgh next week and plans to go to the gunclub. Something he and Bob got together on. So would be really cool to have Ty come when Dom is there.

Well, I have more cleaning to do - this house is such a mess and if they stop by here they can't even sit down anywhere. Oh, and doesn't it just figure within hours of sending Ty money for this trip at the last minute ( the other money got used up repairing the jeep) our fricking dryer broke. It's always something isn't it? But in the big scheme of things, it's not too bad.

See what I (don't) know...

Well, thought I knew the dates for his leave. Those were the dates he told me. Couple days ago then he said he had to fill out a form yet and turn it in. Figured I'd wait til Mother's Day & he'd call and I'd ask him then. Well he still doesn't know for sure. He said something about it being only 12 days. Well, if they drive home and make all those stops, that's going to eat up most of his leave.

I asked him if he & Gabby had made any headway on their plans. He said yes. I asked him "well, are you gonna SAY?" He says "I'm going to surprise you." Well golly gee whiz what might that surpise be? Like surprise I DIDN'T ger married? I bet they either get married before they even leave or stop in Vegas and do it. Personally I think it's a bad idea. But we will see. I guess until I know for sure I shouldn't even think about it. Gabby called me for Mother's Day & sent a card. Would that be a slight hint also of what's up... seems pretty clear to me!

I Miss You

Had a rough day or two of missing Ty. Haven't heard from him in a while. Did send a check to help with his expenses coming home for leave, but don't have any more details on his plans. All I have are the dates when his leave starts & ends - May 26 to June 16. Still have no idea when or if the weeding is taking place. The more I think about that, the more I hope they hold off for now. You always think your first love will last forever. Some do. But most don't.

Went through a crying jag for a day or two - couldn't look at pics of him or anything. I was working on a collage artwork made from the drawing he did for me. There is this thing in Bellevue for artists to display work at the coffeehouse or this other site, and the May theme is Heroes. I wanted to get it done in time for that, but I've been so busy and really don't want to do a half-ass job just to get it done in time. I'll still work on it but not sure where I'll hang it.

He's got a page on MySpace now. Saw some pics I hadn't seen before, but I don't want to intrude. I think I sent a thing to be added to his friends list but was never added. Just as well I guess, he wants to keep it for him and his friends. I've been playing the "this time last year" game. This time last year he was gettin gready for Prom, for graduation, etc etc. NOW look where he is. God, what a change. And even when he's hom eon leave, his room is at his dad's and he will be with Gabby. I probably won't even hardly see him. I hope I at least hear from him on Mother's Day. Last year he was the only one to come visit. He brought me flowers. I still ahve the little card he signed with them. I miss him so much.